Letter 100001

A letter to Idiot wrapped in silver foil,

I am sorry the one you loved never loved you back, I can only imagine the pain you would have undured at such young age. When you would have watched the love of your life, the one you saw a future with, a woman who would have made it all worked, the one who would hold you tight and tell you its okay, okay to cry, okay to be vulnerable, in her arms you’d forever stay.

You imagined a future with the one, who’s sweet voice would echo in every corner of your dull place. she would make it a paradise, your hard work and her love would give birth to small bundles of joy, who she would caress in her lovely arms sing lullabies about their dad, how he never gave up and was always strong for them, the man of her dreams, her protector, the one who offered love and gave her chaotic life, peace.

I am sorry instead she left, left you for a man she thought would cater her needs and let you away. The weak castle of sand she promised would withstand everything that came her way, she ran away at the first sight of the violent waves. But you were there, you felt your life collapse, just like the castle of sand, the waves took them away to a land unknown, and so did your heart and the trust that never came back to you or so you thought and often say.

You’re a lover of nature, jungle the sea, you feel an eerie connection to them because thats where you feel free, you are free from the societal expectations, you no longer have to portray you are strong, for you know there is an entity stronger than us all, that is ready to strike and never afraid.

I am sorry the world didn’t understand your true emotions, all you ever wanted was a simple life, a wife who would love you, that is the only thing that would please you, your books by your side and a the sea and a open blue sky, where you can fish and hunt, tell stories to the mountain pyre, box away your fears and prove them you re still the alpha shinning in light.

I heard that you drowned yourself in alcohol night and day, replaced food with white pills and serum old, aren’t you a strange man,  who thought he was destroyed, yet, never was defeated, nor can you ever be, for you are strong, I wish they told you this, I wish they told you, you are enough and that you dont need someone who would leave you for another.

But you did what any one would do, you drowned yourself in work night and day, damn those chics, who cares about them always? they are plenty of fishes, innumerable variety among them too, then why settle for a plain ordinary fish who ran away?

You will however find the one, someday, also shattered in the same way, broken into pieces, who surrounds herself with the same bloodied knuckles, broken and feeble fate, empty and plain. Hollow eyes garland her face, she would be the same half that you  were cut from, hopelessness would surround her way, she too would be scared to ever come out from her maze, for aren’t we scared to lose? Break those walls that kept us safe? This damsel would have the perfectly creased lips, rosy with a tint of shine, but her words as sweet as her voice would strike arrows down your tired heart every time you would try to keep her safe, you aren’t the only one who was this ill fated, my dear introvert guy.

To be continued….

Poem 58#

I check those messages once again,
they are still stale, still unchecked,
Piled up, like the Marlboro blacks in my ceramic ashtray,
You might have finished a pack or two, I am sure.
Have you even eaten? Are you okay?
Ah the question I no longer have the right to ask.

For my needle mouth wounded your debilitated heart,
Yesterday night, rapid winds of turbulence passed by shore,
Was it for you too?
I sensed your cries, behind those, "Leave me alone, I am fine,"
your black clouds paid a visit to my sky,
Poured briefly and surrounded my eyes,
Your heartaches were felt by the worn out bud,
we nurtured it, promised it'd grow,
But my riotous words signalled the thunder,
Oh! I knew the wrath of this violent strike.

I hardly slept a wink, did you too?
For your thoughts gathered around this grey lurched being,
It will be okay, please dont overthink you said,
Yet I kept falling, falling down the stairway,
I promised myself I would gently take a step,
but if only this childish heart could understand the depth,
Of the beautiful things that lied ahead.

But the fool, my mind,
My heart, the slave,
walked to its beat
and wept when it left.

And now,
As I sit below the stairway,
I see nothing at all,
"Melancholy is it?" I ask,
Your deep silence echoed,
//it is the beginning of dread.//

Top Signs you could be Overthinking ( Part two of the Overthinking series)

So in this particular piece to keep things short, I will only discuss the top signs you might be overthinking :

Part 1 – Be aware! The Ogre named Overthinking

Part 2- A few signs you could be overthinking!

Part 3- How does it affect you? 

Part 4 – How to get over this thinking – Ways to overcome this habit of overthinking.

“I pushed him off, for I thought he would want the same thing, then why does it feel shitty?

Because you didn’t think rationally it was rather your overthinking, you thought of those what ifs and saw the worst outcome to something that meant nothing but good to you.

The line on the other side hears a deep sigh,

Maybe you are right, I did and now I have lost what I love, but is too late?

All she gets back is silence, for isn’t  that what she wanted?
——————————–

Now that you somewhat feel you do overthink, how about we look out fo sure short signs that you could be overthinking?

Here are a few!

  • You keep reliving past moments again and again :  You find it difficult to let to of the past memories, especially painful or the ones that hurt you, even if the incident took place years ago, you cant let go. It is possible that the experience left a deep impact upon you, or even hurt you, mentally as well as physically, but you feel that is stilll very much Latched on to you, you cant let go.pexels-startup-stock-photos-212286
  • You tend to worry more the various What If’s in your life :  This has to be one of the most disastrous things we over thinkers do. We humans do tend to indulge in What If’s at less frequency than that of an over-thinker, for this question is like their kryptonite, they are weakest when they are surrounded by them, they feel it will get them close to home, but it only keeps killing them night and day.
  • You tend to worry about the future a lot, so much so that it has started affecting your daily life – You are so caught up with your own thoughts that you forget whether you locked the door, loose a track of time while you’re staring at blank space and get lost in those thoughts, you find it difficult to concentrate or enjoy things you once loved.  You feel anxious at the mere thought of an uncertain future because of which there is a constant need to plan things out, make pointers, checklist, keep things in control for that way you have somewhat hold upon your future dealings.

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  • You find it difficult to forgive yourself for those mistakes of the past- You come up with better solutions to them feel that may there could have been something you could have done better or in a easy way. But when you fail to come up with any of those better solution, you sulk, you get angry on yourself and feel nothing you ever do would ever be right.
  • You dislike easy answers- Aren’t easy things just a facade? You want to look at the deeper truth, the deeper meaning behind any conversation, Did they agree with me because they wish to get  rid of me? or are they done with me? Easy answers are never right, nothing is ever that easy, right?
  • You dislike One word answers!  This one, well, we over thinkers generally do not like them for they kickstart our overthinking space high and then we go into our safe cave and try to decipher the “hidden” meaning behind that cool, good, nice or okay!

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  • Routine “Observations” not Talk make up your day : Now this seems normal I know, but as an over-thinker myself, every time I am out for a run, or meet stranger or even my friends, I tend to observe to their non -verbal cues, so much so that at times their sigh, could just mean they are tired from the daily chore not because they are tired from me of me. But I tend to observe a lot and then go back think about it, You observe more than you will speak or say, even though the other person is talking to you, you will observe their actions, not realising that your own actions makes you look hostile or rude to a new person who wouldn’t be aware about your normal routine of observing,
  • You are always on a lookout for new information : This is also a characteristic of a deep thinker, but the difference between a deep thinker and an over thinker lies in the outcome, a deep thinker channelizes their thoughts towards a problem and comes up with a solution to it. The over thinker, rather looks out for information that just adds more to their worries and is in line with their what if’s hypothesis, this never ending cycle doesn’t stop, for you will always be on a lookout for new information as your overthinking makes you believe that others are trying to hurt you or will take advantage of you.
  • You find it difficult to fall asleep quickly : Your thoughts are so much ingrained inside your mind that not only do they occupy your mind in the day, but also at night when you try to sleep, you can’t seem to find a “Pause” or “Stop Now” button for them. They keep going on and on and keep you awake a lot of times, thus leaving you feeling lethargic or tired again in the day.

Each and everyone one of us might have a different experience with overthinking. We do overthink, just that the scale is quite different. Now just because we do indulge in overthinking doesn’t make us good or bad, shitty or a loser or sulker, it makes us human, but that comes with a price, the price is at times our life, your self esteem, your health- physical or mental or even emotional will be affected, which will be discussed in more detail in the next post!

Thank you so much for reading, do let me know your thoughts, would love to know them.

Be Aware! – The Ogre named Overthinking.

Part I – Be aware! – The Ogre named Overthinking

Part 2- A few signs you could be overthinking!

Part 3- How does it affect you?

Part 4 – How to get over this thinking – Ways to overcome this habit of overthinking.

“Your overthinking isn’t helping”

Where am I overthinking this? Which part?

I need you to stop overthinking , please.

She read the message one last time before deleting them off and ruminates over her actions from the previous days, the moon slightly nudges her face, hot tears slide down fall into the dark soil, where the wilted leaves dry away. She stands unaware, the various what ifs beseech her heavy head, salty tears complete her appetite for the day.

We have all at some point in our lives thought about some problem, a riddle, a difficult phase and have indulged in deep thinking, ie thinking about the problem until we have achieved a solution to that, then it’s all back to normal and we are fine.

But what happens when we can’t let go of these thoughts and they are going on in a cycle, they never stop?

This is phenomenon which is quite normal as people say, is dangerous for it just starts with a simple thought that occupies your mind, but once you find the solace in revisiting those events, you find another option, yet another solution to that past thing that you could have done better. “Maybe I could’ve said this in the presentation that day, maybe I should have told my boss he can have things his way, etc”.This phenomenon is known as Overthinking and it is linked with other psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

This particular post has been divided into four parts, the first part is being aware that you are Overthinking – thinking more than you should, so much so that it has started affecting your daily life functioning. The later ones include the signs, how it affects you, physically, mentally and emotionally, lastly, how do you deal with overthinking.

It’s not only in your professional life that you engage in overthinking,, but rather even in your Interpersonal relationships, ie, your relationship with your family, friends, significant other. You’re stuck with the various what ifs, you feel it is difficult to fully trust your partner or your family member, feel they would cheat upon you or leave you from someone else, also find it difficult to fully trust the person and believe that whatever they are saying is the actual truth. In family setting you feel anything you do is not enough, maybe they dislike your presence, hate your eating or living habits, which would never truly be the case.

It is affects your Intrapersonal relationship, ie, the one you have with yourself, you shall doubt your own capabilities and your own self worth and find that you will have something or the other you did that makes you look like a bad person, an ugly child or a loser, a horrid partner. You will doubt your own self esteem, feel low about it and helpless that you cant seem to be better than others. You didn’t do enough, you should try to make up to the things that happened years ago.

The various what ifs are never ending, you’re being surrounded by them night and day, your day would begin with them, you won’t realise when you drank the coffee or reached the office, you won’t observe those people calling you in way, won’t remember if you have even eaten or had water, hell, have you even rested enough for the day?

At night when everyone tries to sleep peacefully, you find it difficult to get away from these thoughts, they said just turn off your thoughts, oh no, it doesn’t it stop, it keeps you awake all night, you sleep hardly a wink and even when you do, you wake up in cold sweat and the same nightmare keeps you awake yet another night, you keep thinking, till the moon leaves trails and the dawn peaks in the sky far away.

Do you feel you have experienced the following at some point or the other in your life?

Stay tuned for the next post to know more about the actual signs that you could be overthinking!

Thank you! If you have any doubt or questions related to them, please feel free to ask.

Sigmund Freud : A Short Overview into his life

Sigmund Freud, the Father of Psychoanalysis, was an Austrian neurologist and physiologist who is still considered one of the most influential people in the domain of Psychology and Psychotherapy as well as other realms of the world. His dynamic findings about sexuality, psychic energy and tripartite structure of the human mind structure were just a few discoveries that laid the foundation of contemporary psychology.

Freud was born in Frieberg, Moravia in 1856, which currently comes under the Czech Republic. He was born to a wool trader named Jakob Nathansohn, who was a typical authoritarian man who lived with his second wife, Amalie Nathansohn, a sweet, nurturing lady, serving and catering to her husband’s needs. Born with a veil that covered his head and face, his mother already believed that her caul born son, as the folkare she believed,  would be one of the greatest men the world had ever seen.

Freud was always curious about the anatomies of the organisms that surrounded him, during that time, “The Origin of Species” it’s great wide spread in the whole of Europe that time was left unmarked, even Freud himself couldn’t help but draw inspiration from Charles Darwin’s work on Evolution, which was extensively seen in his further writings, lead to the foundation of Evolutionary Psychology.

Freud started medical school at the University of Vienna in 1873 where he worked closely with Ernst Brücke who had published his Lecture Notes on Physiology. In this piece  he implied that humans like any other organism in the world are essential energy systems, thus the conversation of energy still implies to them.

He graduated in 1882 during this time, he developed a great interest in anatomy, physiology and histology under the supervision of Professor Claus and Professor Brücke. In 1885 he was appointed as an Assistant professor in Neuropathology, after a few months he decided to visit Professor Charcot’s famous neurological service and became really influenced by Charcot’s approach to hysteria and the therapeutic use of hypnosis, the basic idea being they are able to recall the unconscious life events, thoughts which they were not able to clearly put it out in words in their conscious state. Charcot’s work on hysteria and sexuality did influence Freud’s own work on sexuality and neurosis, which can be understood by a famous quote of Charcot:”It’s always a genital thing, always, always, always”

In the later year of 1886, Freud married his long-time sweet heart, Martha Freud,, who is thought to be one of the most important people in Freud’s life. He fell in love with her for the first time he saw her peeling apples, as mundane it sounds to the layman, dopamine had done its work. They got engaged after just two months of meeting, but mere love was never enough to make ends meet, Freud at that time was just an ordinary man earning hardly a dime whilst working in the scientific field. 

Freud and Martha stayed separately for more than three years, every time they wrote to one another, they gave each other cute nicknames, he called her Princess and she called him Sigil.

This was the turning point in Freud’s life, he was presented with two options, to give up his scientific ambitions and marry the girl he loved or to let the girl of his dreams leave. He took the painful decision to leave scientific work at that time and decided to become a doctor to make their dreams come true. For the next three years, Freud worked at the Vienna General Hospital; he tried his hand at surgery, internal medicine, and psychiatry, not knowing which might become his specialty. During these gruesome years, they never left hope, they exchanged love letters at every end, he gave her hope that this too should pass away. Written below is an excerpt from their letter.

My precious, the most beloved girl, I knew it was only after you left that I would realize the full extent of my happiness… I still cannot grasp it, and if that… Sweet little picture were not lying in front of me, I would think it was all a beguiling dream.” 

His perennial hope and unduly work towards this goal is something that made him the man who never left things he couldn’t start, the one who dedicated his time and efforts for the one he loved.

My beloved Marty, these difficult times will not discourage me… I know how sweet you are, how you can turn a house into a paradise” 

Their love was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, which they knew would be enough for their forever to exist. At last in1886, he married the woman he loved, who bore him six healthy children at almost every interval.

It was later in 1892 where he met a well-known physician and physiologist by the name of Josef Breuer, who practised hypnosis and shared the case of his patient, Anna. O with Freud, Freud was intrigued by this method and the case study, thus decided to leave for Paris to research this method. But he found that this method was not sufficient enough for his patients to share their current internal conflicts or thoughts, which gave birth to one of the most prominently used methods by Psychoanalysts, “Free Association.” Freud found that his patients were more relaxed when they were in an environment of silence and stress free, they were allowed to lie down on a couch and speak whatever came to their mind. In this way, Freud could list down all of their thoughts that were a part of both their conscious and unconscious mind and, in the end, assimilate those and try to analyze their thoughts and viewpoints. 

Sigmund Freud with his radical viewpoints on the mind structure, The famous three, Id, Ego,Super-Ego, which draw parallel to how the mind structure functions on the basic primal instincts ( id) to the highly moral authoritative one which compels us to go what is right ( SuperEgo) and the Ego that draws a line between the both to come to a decision was something that the world was quite unaware about.

From his work, one can see how it is very much correlated with the principle of conservation of energy, his view of psychic energy, that as humans we all have an energy- system that works to investigate, modify and build up the psychic energy that would shape the personality-of the future. He may be named one of the most controversial and sexists Psychoanalysts even in the the modern era, but one cannot argue that his work laid the foundation to what we try to name the Psychology of Human Mind.

Word Count : 1041 words

Poem 57#

I wondered why our shadows were always dark,
When they could instead be, yellow, orange, blue or grey,
but everyone around us would then know that,
we’re happy today, or maybe just feeling plain,
Maybe you wish to be left alone and your shadow would then predict it away,
It would then be impossible to hide our fear, our thoughts, our feelings away.

But black?
Oh the color has many possible answers,
most of those, truly unknown.

At times it sinks in your loneliness on the cold winter nights,
It’s the only thing accompanying you,
under the dim streelight.
Where you tread around cautiously,
rapidly try to save yourself from hungry eyes and calloused face.

The others,
It acccompaines you by the marble floor of the serene terrace,
As you sit beneath the callous moon,
listen to the chatter of the tranquil trees, feel the wind hover around,
there is a thin silence in that loud air,
you sit back and watch the dead stars grow cold,
it cautiously grows upon you, in time, the twilight doesn’t scare you in any way.

Lastly,
it stands out in play as you await the arrival of the one who couldnt keep their promises,
it starts with the last local bidding goodbye,
those lean feet seek support of the rusty grills and patched wall,
he will be here, your rawboned hand graciously pray,
but all you hear are crickets gossiping away,
and the scarred bat screech in pain,
Suddenly those empty windows infront of you,
showcase a shadow too gloomy for the day,
you step away in dismay,
in hope, that it was a nightmare.
Alas the darkness has other plans to play.

And little by little,
you get used to this feeling, everyday.