Poem 58#

I check those messages once again,
they are still stale, still unchecked,
Piled up, like the Marlboro blacks in my ceramic ashtray,
You might have finished a pack or two, I am sure.
Have you even eaten? Are you okay?
Ah the question I no longer have the right to ask.

For my needle mouth wounded your debilitated heart,
Yesterday night, rapid winds of turbulence passed by shore,
Was it for you too?
I sensed your cries, behind those, "Leave me alone, I am fine,"
your black clouds paid a visit to my sky,
Poured briefly and surrounded my eyes,
Your heartaches were felt by the worn out bud,
we nurtured it, promised it'd grow,
But my riotous words signalled the thunder,
Oh! I knew the wrath of this violent strike.

I hardly slept a wink, did you too?
For your thoughts gathered around this grey lurched being,
It will be okay, please dont overthink you said,
Yet I kept falling, falling down the stairway,
I promised myself I would gently take a step,
but if only this childish heart could understand the depth,
Of the beautiful things that lied ahead.

But the fool, my mind,
My heart, the slave,
walked to its beat
and wept when it left.

And now,
As I sit below the stairway,
I see nothing at all,
"Melancholy is it?" I ask,
Your deep silence echoed,
//it is the beginning of dread.//

Be Aware! – The Ogre named Overthinking.

Part I – Be aware! – The Ogre named Overthinking

Part 2- A few signs you could be overthinking!

Part 3- How does it affect you?

Part 4 – How to get over this thinking – Ways to overcome this habit of overthinking.

“Your overthinking isn’t helping”

Where am I overthinking this? Which part?

I need you to stop overthinking , please.

She read the message one last time before deleting them off and ruminates over her actions from the previous days, the moon slightly nudges her face, hot tears slide down fall into the dark soil, where the wilted leaves dry away. She stands unaware, the various what ifs beseech her heavy head, salty tears complete her appetite for the day.

We have all at some point in our lives thought about some problem, a riddle, a difficult phase and have indulged in deep thinking, ie thinking about the problem until we have achieved a solution to that, then it’s all back to normal and we are fine.

But what happens when we can’t let go of these thoughts and they are going on in a cycle, they never stop?

This is phenomenon which is quite normal as people say, is dangerous for it just starts with a simple thought that occupies your mind, but once you find the solace in revisiting those events, you find another option, yet another solution to that past thing that you could have done better. “Maybe I could’ve said this in the presentation that day, maybe I should have told my boss he can have things his way, etc”.This phenomenon is known as Overthinking and it is linked with other psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

This particular post has been divided into four parts, the first part is being aware that you are Overthinking – thinking more than you should, so much so that it has started affecting your daily life functioning. The later ones include the signs, how it affects you, physically, mentally and emotionally, lastly, how do you deal with overthinking.

It’s not only in your professional life that you engage in overthinking,, but rather even in your Interpersonal relationships, ie, your relationship with your family, friends, significant other. You’re stuck with the various what ifs, you feel it is difficult to fully trust your partner or your family member, feel they would cheat upon you or leave you from someone else, also find it difficult to fully trust the person and believe that whatever they are saying is the actual truth. In family setting you feel anything you do is not enough, maybe they dislike your presence, hate your eating or living habits, which would never truly be the case.

It is affects your Intrapersonal relationship, ie, the one you have with yourself, you shall doubt your own capabilities and your own self worth and find that you will have something or the other you did that makes you look like a bad person, an ugly child or a loser, a horrid partner. You will doubt your own self esteem, feel low about it and helpless that you cant seem to be better than others. You didn’t do enough, you should try to make up to the things that happened years ago.

The various what ifs are never ending, you’re being surrounded by them night and day, your day would begin with them, you won’t realise when you drank the coffee or reached the office, you won’t observe those people calling you in way, won’t remember if you have even eaten or had water, hell, have you even rested enough for the day?

At night when everyone tries to sleep peacefully, you find it difficult to get away from these thoughts, they said just turn off your thoughts, oh no, it doesn’t it stop, it keeps you awake all night, you sleep hardly a wink and even when you do, you wake up in cold sweat and the same nightmare keeps you awake yet another night, you keep thinking, till the moon leaves trails and the dawn peaks in the sky far away.

Do you feel you have experienced the following at some point or the other in your life?

Stay tuned for the next post to know more about the actual signs that you could be overthinking!

Thank you! If you have any doubt or questions related to them, please feel free to ask.

Sigmund Freud : A Short Overview into his life

Sigmund Freud, the Father of Psychoanalysis, was an Austrian neurologist and physiologist who is still considered one of the most influential people in the domain of Psychology and Psychotherapy as well as other realms of the world. His dynamic findings about sexuality, psychic energy and tripartite structure of the human mind structure were just a few discoveries that laid the foundation of contemporary psychology.

Freud was born in Frieberg, Moravia in 1856, which currently comes under the Czech Republic. He was born to a wool trader named Jakob Nathansohn, who was a typical authoritarian man who lived with his second wife, Amalie Nathansohn, a sweet, nurturing lady, serving and catering to her husband’s needs. Born with a veil that covered his head and face, his mother already believed that her caul born son, as the folkare she believed,  would be one of the greatest men the world had ever seen.

Freud was always curious about the anatomies of the organisms that surrounded him, during that time, “The Origin of Species” it’s great wide spread in the whole of Europe that time was left unmarked, even Freud himself couldn’t help but draw inspiration from Charles Darwin’s work on Evolution, which was extensively seen in his further writings, lead to the foundation of Evolutionary Psychology.

Freud started medical school at the University of Vienna in 1873 where he worked closely with Ernst Brücke who had published his Lecture Notes on Physiology. In this piece  he implied that humans like any other organism in the world are essential energy systems, thus the conversation of energy still implies to them.

He graduated in 1882 during this time, he developed a great interest in anatomy, physiology and histology under the supervision of Professor Claus and Professor Brücke. In 1885 he was appointed as an Assistant professor in Neuropathology, after a few months he decided to visit Professor Charcot’s famous neurological service and became really influenced by Charcot’s approach to hysteria and the therapeutic use of hypnosis, the basic idea being they are able to recall the unconscious life events, thoughts which they were not able to clearly put it out in words in their conscious state. Charcot’s work on hysteria and sexuality did influence Freud’s own work on sexuality and neurosis, which can be understood by a famous quote of Charcot:”It’s always a genital thing, always, always, always”

In the later year of 1886, Freud married his long-time sweet heart, Martha Freud,, who is thought to be one of the most important people in Freud’s life. He fell in love with her for the first time he saw her peeling apples, as mundane it sounds to the layman, dopamine had done its work. They got engaged after just two months of meeting, but mere love was never enough to make ends meet, Freud at that time was just an ordinary man earning hardly a dime whilst working in the scientific field. 

Freud and Martha stayed separately for more than three years, every time they wrote to one another, they gave each other cute nicknames, he called her Princess and she called him Sigil.

This was the turning point in Freud’s life, he was presented with two options, to give up his scientific ambitions and marry the girl he loved or to let the girl of his dreams leave. He took the painful decision to leave scientific work at that time and decided to become a doctor to make their dreams come true. For the next three years, Freud worked at the Vienna General Hospital; he tried his hand at surgery, internal medicine, and psychiatry, not knowing which might become his specialty. During these gruesome years, they never left hope, they exchanged love letters at every end, he gave her hope that this too should pass away. Written below is an excerpt from their letter.

My precious, the most beloved girl, I knew it was only after you left that I would realize the full extent of my happiness… I still cannot grasp it, and if that… Sweet little picture were not lying in front of me, I would think it was all a beguiling dream.” 

His perennial hope and unduly work towards this goal is something that made him the man who never left things he couldn’t start, the one who dedicated his time and efforts for the one he loved.

My beloved Marty, these difficult times will not discourage me… I know how sweet you are, how you can turn a house into a paradise” 

Their love was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, which they knew would be enough for their forever to exist. At last in1886, he married the woman he loved, who bore him six healthy children at almost every interval.

It was later in 1892 where he met a well-known physician and physiologist by the name of Josef Breuer, who practised hypnosis and shared the case of his patient, Anna. O with Freud, Freud was intrigued by this method and the case study, thus decided to leave for Paris to research this method. But he found that this method was not sufficient enough for his patients to share their current internal conflicts or thoughts, which gave birth to one of the most prominently used methods by Psychoanalysts, “Free Association.” Freud found that his patients were more relaxed when they were in an environment of silence and stress free, they were allowed to lie down on a couch and speak whatever came to their mind. In this way, Freud could list down all of their thoughts that were a part of both their conscious and unconscious mind and, in the end, assimilate those and try to analyze their thoughts and viewpoints. 

Sigmund Freud with his radical viewpoints on the mind structure, The famous three, Id, Ego,Super-Ego, which draw parallel to how the mind structure functions on the basic primal instincts ( id) to the highly moral authoritative one which compels us to go what is right ( SuperEgo) and the Ego that draws a line between the both to come to a decision was something that the world was quite unaware about.

From his work, one can see how it is very much correlated with the principle of conservation of energy, his view of psychic energy, that as humans we all have an energy- system that works to investigate, modify and build up the psychic energy that would shape the personality-of the future. He may be named one of the most controversial and sexists Psychoanalysts even in the the modern era, but one cannot argue that his work laid the foundation to what we try to name the Psychology of Human Mind.

Word Count : 1041 words

Poem 57#

I wondered why our shadows were always dark,
When they could instead be, yellow, orange, blue or grey,
but everyone around us would then know that,
we’re happy today, or maybe just feeling plain,
Maybe you wish to be left alone and your shadow would then predict it away,
It would then be impossible to hide our fear, our thoughts, our feelings away.

But black?
Oh the color has many possible answers,
most of those, truly unknown.

At times it sinks in your loneliness on the cold winter nights,
It’s the only thing accompanying you,
under the dim streelight.
Where you tread around cautiously,
rapidly try to save yourself from hungry eyes and calloused face.

The others,
It acccompaines you by the marble floor of the serene terrace,
As you sit beneath the callous moon,
listen to the chatter of the tranquil trees, feel the wind hover around,
there is a thin silence in that loud air,
you sit back and watch the dead stars grow cold,
it cautiously grows upon you, in time, the twilight doesn’t scare you in any way.

Lastly,
it stands out in play as you await the arrival of the one who couldnt keep their promises,
it starts with the last local bidding goodbye,
those lean feet seek support of the rusty grills and patched wall,
he will be here, your rawboned hand graciously pray,
but all you hear are crickets gossiping away,
and the scarred bat screech in pain,
Suddenly those empty windows infront of you,
showcase a shadow too gloomy for the day,
you step away in dismay,
in hope, that it was a nightmare.
Alas the darkness has other plans to play.

And little by little,
you get used to this feeling, everyday.

Cold hand and warm smiles


28th March, 2021

It was a chaotic Sunday afternoon, with the scorching heat burning my face, my black crop top and cardigan too, helped the sun with its play, I awaited the arrival of the one who was sailing away.

There he was, with his navy blue sweatshirt that had ‘hints of Black’ Matching mine, a white tee, that had blobs of sweat and Paco Rabanne smelling from a mile away, he swayed like the autumn winds, with his hands tucked inside his pockets and his eyes smiled from far away.

Can we go now? I said in my grim voice, I practised my blank look prior to the meet, for navy pants made me wait,

What, no hello or hi?
His soft brown eyes looked straight into mine,

A million moths revolted inside my empty stomach that time, with an eye roll I hushed him off.

——

Our coffee will be here in 2 mins, let’s sit,come on,

He pulled out a chair as we sat across that ambiguously loud cafe,

Bela ciao played in the background that time, as the main chorus echoed in the cold air, he removed his blue mask and warmly smiled at me, the smile wasn’t the same his adventurous social media posts portrayed, this one rather gave his cheeks a pinkish hue, the wrinkles around his eyes too popped up in play,
His skin looked more soft and supple than they did in those blurry video calls we had everyday, droplets of sweat aligned by his forehead, and his nose, he shyly hushed those off by constantly touching his face or grooming his hair. 

I wish I could carry a polaroid to click every-time Mr. Serious face came out of his comfort zone to live life in a casual way. 

Did I mention his ‘fan’ following?

More than a few pretty chicas  had their eyes trailed off in his way,  their stare  hooked onto to his face, or his mouth or the way he talked with ease and kept smiling away. Yet naive eyes were glued in my way, like a kid gaurding his favorite thing.


The Meet was one of a kind, one I have never had anyone at all, I know his sceptical detective mind wouldn’t accept things at face value ever, for his curious eyes often look out for the things unsaid,  the eye rolls I often gave, the way I smiled or smirked or even had a serious face, he loves to know more about what’s beneath the facade. 

I had more smiles to crease, especially the time we walked down the stair of the ancient cafe hallway, I missed a step for I was busy searching for the cat I met in way, he quickly clasped my hand with his cold ones,

Are you alright?

His eyes looked into  mine, another set of fireflies flew inside my gut that time

I smiled beneath my mask and nodded my head.

This first meet, with ‘cold coffee that tasted like liquid vanilla ice cream, the carrot juice that was fresh and sweet like his forehead kiss he showered me with when we parted our ways, the chocolate cupcake, which we shared, or which I rather ordered him to eat halfway, the cigarette puff which he hesitantly passed my way, or the way my overthinking mind was at ease the entire time, was beyond perfect, something I would love to have everyday. 

A war with yourself.

I came across a fuzzy seed of myself.
This part that i nurutred everyday in the past,
That saved me on the silent days,
On the days my beliefs were bandaged like my tongue,

Has made a home in the silent hall of my heart,
This fuzzy wall is cracking down suppprting this seed all the time,
I see the failure of naive lost self, nailed,
rusty tacks that marred the heart,
lie beside my cold feet, plain,

I try to fill the crevices of this wall with the fleeting moments of happiness,
alas,its momentous strength fails to keep them align.

I watch them fall ounce by ounce as the roots of this seeed outgrow alongside the echoing room,
its silence is felt, but the voice keeps growing louder by each passing day.

The elongated roots seem too weak,
support each other and have become quite strong,
the brakish water nurtures them,
gives them hope they can still come out alive.
purple skies often shed their light and there they lay by the blackened sky nurtured and safe.

I try to burn them away with a flicker of hope that shined in life,
I stand paralysed as I watch this flame shudder under the coldness of this sight,
but the pecuilar roots defy this time, smell putrsecine,
as though it was never meant to be die.

Seems like 520 already.

I miss you

I miss the sudden cheek kisses you kept showering me with,

I miss the way your cold hands found home in mine,

And the way you swayed our hands and marched all the time.

I miss the way you hid your smile beneath that maroon mask

Or the way your eyes just never left mine.

Every time we meet,

There’s always this calm and peace inside me

Which doesn’t or hasnt ever happened ever in life.

Im still trying to find the right words to put the things i had planned to tell you

About the way you make me feel at ease

Or the way you understand my unsaid words too quicky all the time

Alas all i do is stare at you

Wish to see a bit more of those childlike eyes,

Your smile, like the crescent of the moon,

Radiates amongst my gloomy skies.

—T2 meet—-

“Cheers then?”

He sat infront of me, with his blackcurrent milkshake in one hand,

His fuller cheeks were as pink as those strawberries he has promised we’d try,

“Cheers to new beginnings?”

I Iooked at the smile he tried to hide behind the cup,

While his gaze still stuck on my eyes.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

I rested my palm upon my face, unable to speak, for my heart thumbed too loud,

“You look too cute today

And see, we color coordinated again this time!”

The thrill in his sweet voice made me smile,

he suddenly leaned a bit too close to me,

his once crossed legs suddenly engulfed my wobbly ones,

A leg hug it was indeed.

How i wish the time would stop, maybe rest on those wooden chairs and cheap milkshake piles

Or stop beneath the shade of the peculiar tree that swayed in May heat,

Yet his arms kept a cozy hold of me all the time,

I wish,

Maybe a little more of those smiles to crease

A little too many pecks on cheeks

Or the *mistaken dandruff* forehead kisses at times.

——-

I miss you, even though you’re far away you say

You’re still very much the first thing on my mind,

And present with me among the cold coffees i have,

when i gaze up at the naked stars and listen to kitne haseen zindagi hai yeh

Or the time i smoke your favourite cigarettes for it brings a bit closer to thee

You’re worth it all.

That’s all i have to say to you for this time.

– To the muse of mine :’)