Dont leave this boy.

This boy with most expressive pair of eyes you’ve ever seen, the ones that would make your defunct heart alive and make you dance to its beat.

And oh his smile, would feel like hot chocolate on a wintry night, like a warm shower after a tiring day, like the first bite of hot molten choco lava cake.It would be so beautiful like the sunset by the sea, like the crescent moon in the grey sky, it feels incomplete to some, but oh when you’d see it’s beauty you’d realise, you’d never get tired of looking at that sight.

He would at times remind you of a 5 year old kid, with his tantrums and fights, he would want things in his own way and if not, then he would shoo you off, mumble things under his breath, then make weird expressions and eventually shush you away

.But after you agree to his demands, his lips would pout and give off his signature smile. He’d grab your waist and shower kisses on your entire face, until he hears that favourite giggle and sees that radiant smile on your face

.But to the outside world, he would act like an army chief. Where discipline and control is the only normal he has ever seen. Where things going out of hand would be seen as bad or wrong and he’d order you to rectify them,all. Or help you with those difficult tasks.

….

He’d not be the one who would verbally tell you how much you mean to him, rather he’d want you there by his side.

Where meeting him would mean being welcomed by his homely hugs, the ones that would make you feel calm and alive, he’d then kiss your forehead and his fingers would draw circles on your back,he’d move in rhythm and dance to the silence of your breaths.His eyes, oh his damn eyes, would follow you every where you go, he would observe the way you tuck that extra piece of strand behind your ears, the way you stand in akimbo when you argue with his viewpoint, your sly smile when you’re trying to be angry with him.

You would never catch him staring at you for he would be too quick to look away, but he would observe those tiny details all the time,from that little frown on your forehead, to those weird expressions you give off when you’re narrating the day’s plight.

Dont leave this boy, dont leave him at all, be there by his side, for he would always be there by yours too.–

Shivani Dubey


Ever felt this way?

When you wish you could scream till you no longer hear your voice,
Till your lungs burst out and your heart keeps quiet,
Till the thoughts in your mind get aligned,
But all you ever end up saying is,

“I am fine.”

Of open blue skies and bombay vada pavs.

Dadi wore saree her entire life,
Green, blue, yellow and red, were amongst some of her favourite shades
This was her favourite too.

She never liked disobedience from my side,
Her grim voice, usually woke me up for school,
“Shibu get up, don’t you wanna go to school, it’s already 9
Even tho, it was always six that time.

She was obsessed with red, shiny, golden things,
A married woman, must wear all the three reds!
Red bindi, bangles and her red kumkum, shinning from her hair!

“A girl is expected to do whatever the man says, shibu”
But why does he get to decide what I wanna do dadi?’

Her eyes would then pop out and stare at me in disbelief.

‘You have your father’s temper and his mouth too,
You blurt out things without thinking at all,
You’re like the pressure cooker, who’s whistle is lost.

‘Your grandfather’s sarcasm comes to you in phase’ she’d say
You’re like the green chilli in bhindi or palak,
That one blindly eats and then regrets, for it burns their tongue away!

Dadi and I often had many fights,
“Your husband would never like a girl, who’s this arrogant
And this rude, he’d leave you the second you meet!

I’d end up skipping dinner everytime we would fight,
But later she’d come with a plate of food:
”how would you fight me, if you don’t eat tonight?”
—–
Did you ever try to study?
I had once asked her,
She was peeling the peas off, meticulously she removed their skin,
Her button eyes, glared at me for sometime,
But she scoffed at my question and threw the skin away.

There were days, she loved me too,
When I’d help her in household chores,
Or take her up to our terrace for a short walk.

Do you know where the clouds disappear?
Or how the birds just fly around, shibu?

I never quite had any answers for her naive questions,
But I often saw her smile widely
her cheeks, they shined
Every Time she saw the open blue sky.

She was a fan of Bombay vada pavs,
Sasural Genda phool and other bollywood songs.
She loved watching food video’s,
Namak samak chef, was her favourite too.

This one time, she caught the flu,
She didn’t agree to take medicines,
Just get 2 vadapavs, they must be frying them now! I can smell them from above
Tell him to add extra green chutney too!

She would then share half the vada pav with me,
“Why don’t you eat the entire thing”, I’d say as I would hogg on the half she’d give me.
“Why do you always share it with me?
I thought you hate me?”
Because the vada pav tastes better when I give you the other half, you silly girl!

—————————————————————————————————

Forever and smiles.

Dear you,
I know I told you I love being alone, enjoy my solitude. Yet I expect a text from you, hope that you just casually text me back asking how everything’s going on, call me, tell me that you miss my voice.

But alas, I’ve always been told that our expectations often end up killing us.
I find myself tossing and turning on the bed all night, I think about the counter agruments of the things you said, the things I texted, and the things I actually meant.

I am always on my guard whenever I text you, tell my self, that I shall not act vulnerable infront of you, for you are just a guy, ugh, a guy who has started meaning so much to me that it scares the shit out of me.

It’s like something inside me tells me I should go back to you, that you’re the one I had always wanted in my life, but the logical arguments, and my friends, they tell me that this is just a phase, it’ll wander off in sometime.

And you do know what that led to, the final goodbye, the I hate you, don’t contact me ever again”.

Yet every night,as I sit by my window,  The Reason by Hoobastank plays at the back of my mind, as I close my eyes, our last hug is replayed, I remember the first time I saw you smile, my cheeks heat up a bit, my finger trace lines back to my lips,

I realise I am actually smiling at the thought of your smile.


I guess not everyone is meant to be there with you forever,

But why should forever only be counted in years and time, why not moments and smile?

Maybe this journey was destined to end this way

And oh, it did.

-30th May.


To the girl whom he next meets,

He’s weird, impulsive, shy and quiet,
At times he’ll remind you of your strict pt sir,
Who’ll make you run an extra round for being late,
so that you get disciplined in life.
At times he’d be your English professor,
Who’s jolly and funny, will help you in your work, but takes life very seriously,
Who’s patient and oh very polite.

He replies back in minutes few,
His vocabulary is a mirror of his favourite shows,
That’s what she said, ‘noice’ and his pun jokes,
You’ll get so accustomed to them, don’t be surprised if you end up typing cool five times in a row.

He seems uninterested, I know,
for he never texts you first,
But start a discussion on any topic, new,
From soulmates, to love, marriage and divorce,
Law and crime, ask him his political views,
Or how the men in red won the Friday night live.

He will always share his opinions openly,
and those opposing views of yours,
he’ll respect those too.

Yes there are times, when his overthinking comes alive,
He’d question your motive behind these conversations,
His replies would then be prompt as his lawyer skills come to rescue,
It’d be impossible to win against him
And his childish hues,

Whatever, don’t blame me,

Oh I never fight, that’s you!

But don’t worry, he loves to crib like this all the time,
He’d pretend to be mean and rude, but then he cares,
Just doesn’t know how to handle his emotions, new.

But one thing he dislikes, more than momos and Janice,
Are confrontations and fights,
Don’t confront him with feelings, emotions or drama new,
He’d then run back to his humble cave
And you’d never hear from him, ever again.

For it’s over, right?

But don’t be surprised, if you find his snaps after a few days, he’d ask ambiguous questions too, to test you.
he’d ask you about his beard, his new hairstyle :

Does this seem fine?

Is stopping here the right choice?

Don’t worry, he likes to challenge the person,
To tease them, to give them a fair fight,
Just keep yourself strong, be patient with him

For he’d be the best thing that would ever happen to thee!

Yours truly,

The girl he never loved

Poem 53#

Does your heart ever beat aloud, when my name pops on your screen?

Does your face heat up, or do your lips start to smile?

Do you ever look up at the sky and gaze at the moon sometimes?

Remember our previous conversations and way you hugged me, tight?

Do my thoughts ever cross your mind,

Whenever you’re busy at work, trying to study, or sleep at night?

Do you even remember the words you said before you first kissed me,

Or way you smiled so bright?


I wouldn’t know, anymore.

But,

I do know you’re searching for a girl who’d fit into your world.

Who is different than the others, you’ve met,
Someone who adds value to your life, understands you.
Doesnt expect you to be perfect,
Rather, accepts your various hues.

Doesn’t give up on you, when you push her aside,
Who keeps texting you, even though you hardly reply,
Who is always loyal to you, honest and never lies.

You’re a man of few words,
You pretend to listen and hardly reply,
But expect others to listen to you,
but do you comply?

You welcome people, but never let them in,
You know their secrets, hardly share your worries, at times lie.
When confronted, you dive in your cave, you sigh.

You overthink, overanalyze, but keep mum, in your agony, you die.
But tell others that overthinking isn’t right

You have peculiar moods, one in which you wish to be left alone,
One in which you’re no longer the gloomy soul, you’re cheerful,
full of life,
Alas it doesn’t last that while,
And finally the one,in which, your mood, monosyllables provide.


But there’s this void, this tiny black hole,

That exists within you, in your heart,

That is masked by your smile,

One that I can see in your eyes.

What if it forever resides?

Poem 52#

He’s here, but he’s truly not,

I don’t recognize him,

In fact I never have and never will,

He babbles and abuses too,

His eyes, don’t see what we see,

It sees a world that keeps opressing him,

His mouth becomes a flame of lies,

Of pain and hurt,

betrayal and crimes,

His past surfaces in and he becomes the same old boy

With khaki shorts and torn shirt,

With worn chappals and lost eyes

Who’s father beat him, to hide his lies,

To hide his affair with the woman he loved,

Who wasn’t his wife.

It all comes back to him, at times in episodes too.

He remembers the time his purple hand was beaten black,

The times his father thrashed him

Left him away and ignored his plight.

But oh he forgets the time he left us away,

Instead,

Says I am a burden,

And my siblings are no longer his children too.

He slurrs and slips,

Fumbles on his own failures, oh he falls.

And when his tired eyes and calloused feet hurt a lot,

He crashes his stout body on the defeated old bed,

Mumbbles a “I hate you, you’re no longer my child’

And goes back to sleep, soundly, every night.