I’m fine.



I wish I could stop using this sentence at times, but ever since I was a child, maa always told me everything is fine, it’s all in your head,my little dandelion.

She told me that as a woman I must learn to accept some hardships in life,that crying over things isn’t the solution to life.

“Then when does one cry, maa?”

People cry when someone dies, shibu” Not when they’re alive and happy”

I wonder if I am truly alive?

My heart doesn’t really beat,
it functions like my neighbor ‘s old Ben clock,
Only at night does it realise that its alive
It echoes a silent tap, those muffled voices in the background snicker and laugh,
I hear a whimper, too soft for anyone to notice around,
But it ticks too loud, but oh the silence of the night takes the credit away.


***
Go for a run or a walk, Dad orders me,
I find myself wearing those worn out converse of mine,
Where my laces have knots and are too loosely tied,
I jog for a few minutes until those thoughts feel too much for me, the same disappointment,
The same numbness, the people in my life I could never please, I run, run the way I have always liked,
The one where people disappear and my heart beat comes alive,

After 3 rounds of running, I return back home,

“You look like hellboy” dad acknowledges my presence as he opens his new bottle of whiskey, tonight.
After two 60 ml shots,
He tells me that I act like an emotional fool at times,
that I must learn to be tough, be like a rock he says, it never cries.
I wish I could tell him that oh it breaks, shatters into pieces when it can’t cry.


……

I wish I were a child right now,
atleast writing “I am fine” hundred times would let my unconscious mind accept this plight,
Alas my heart would never accept that sight.

….

Why dont you share anything with me, I am right here, my friend texts me,
But what do I tell her when I myself dont understand it,
That there are times I just wish to be left alone,
All I want is the silence around me, not questions and remarks about how I am not doing well in life.
Rather all I end up texting them is, Oh it’s nothing, I’ll be just fine. :))

The paradoxical one.

She is unsure and uncertain in life, she wants a few things, yet doesnt want them too. She would initiate the conversation then feel it losing it’s sight and in time with her lack of effort, it’ll die.

For she knows they’d have many others whom they would talk to, she’d assume small things and get nervous all the time, “why did you type the Okay ♥️ as ok, / okay / k/ this time?”The others she wonders about the tone of their text and replies, “were they in a hurry or did they wish to talk to me after a while?”

“Why didn’t they use their regular emoji, or are they done with her hopeless plight?”

She deletes messages quite often too,for her anxiety tells her it sounds too rude or maybe not right, what if they feel bad? What if they read in between the lines? They cant see her vulnerable side.

Sudden calls from strangers scare her to death,do they expect a specific reply? Is hmm and haan and okay and yeah, fine? What if they feel she is not contributing to the conversation at all,her heart comes to her mouth, she feels like 1 year old, she babbles or mumbles or at times is inaudiblely loud.

At times,she is sure of her mind, sure of the things she has to say and feels about the people around, yes doubts and fear cross her mind, but her heart comes to resuce those times.

The others, her heart plays tricks on her mind, for it doesn’t understand the difference between infatuation or lust, confuses it with love and keeps her awake all night.

Yes she overthinks, she has scales of measurement for this overthinking too, a bit done every now and then seems fine, she takes overthinking breaks in between her day, thinks about the topic from all the sides and even tho the stimulus is out of her sight it still revolves in her mind.

Is it yes or was it no?”

She dislikes the term in between and people giving her ambiguous hues. She likes weird and confusing things for sure,

The puzzle the daily crossword, the sudoku hurl, the Rubik’s cube, confusing it may be for others but she’d try all the combinations and solve it overnight, and if not, then mess up the code and add more sequences to her plight.

At times she is nervous and shy,like the naive Caterpillar that transforms into a beautiful butterfly, she is oh so cautious and alert of her moves, never to harm a soul and usually complies.

The others she is bold and scary they say, like the moth, that’s as dark as the ruinous sky, you’d shoo her off, so that she doesn’t ruin your cashmere shawl overnight,

She’s reckless and wild, is attracted to dangerous people who often hurt her or leave her in the absence of light, is attracted to the feral fire that could burn her core, yet she wishes to go near it, to warm her numb soul.

…..

Life for her is a puzzle,

one cannot fathom right away

It is never truly black nor white,

At times it’s blue and purple, red and grey,

So arrange every piece that comes your way,

And that’s how she lives her life, everyday.

The heart and the brain.

One loves, the other pushes away.

One is care free, the other anxiously prays.

One knows the truth, the other loves to hide,

One cries, but the other smiles.

Both are scared, but dont show it all,

Wish to be understood but they never talk,

Wish to speak, but they always stall.

Poem 20#

Why would you like me anyways?

I’ve got needles in my mouth,

They harm and injure the heart.

And a desert exists within.

There is no calm or peace in here,

Only the storm, waiting to begin.

You think you can find peace in here,

But that’ll just be an illusion, a mirage that’s all.

For,

There aren’t any flowers that bloom around,

Just the prickly pear that surrounds.

A few came in to fill the hollow space,

With their gentle words and caring face.

But the sweltering sand, they couldn’t withstand

And the frigid winds, it shattered their stand.

You shall be hurt, so run away,

Be far away from me and save your day.

Poem 9#

These voices,

They don’t halt

They don’t sleep

They never stop.

They accompany me

At every turn,

At every road.

At every corner

Their shadow lurks.

I wish to hide,

And run away

Have visited many shrines,

In many temples, I prayed.

Tried meditating,

Yet they stayed.

They detest music,

Feel betrayed,

But then later,

Disguise and obey.

After a while

Get used to it, anyways.

They hate colours

And just love the grey.

Solitude is what feeds them

Isolation is a prey.

These voices,

Reside in my head.

They never leave,

Day and night, they stay.

Poem 3#

I feel so tired,I don’t know why,

But there’s this voice inside my mind,

That tells me I’m wrong

And worthless and not fine.

This makes breathing impossible for some time,

I feel choked and heavy inside

My eyes burn, I don’t wish to cry,

I quickly wipe those hot tears,

and push them aside.

I try to fake a beautiful smile.

For that’s how I’ll be normal again.

And make things work everytime.

But for how long can I live in this lie?

Quote#1

Oh the secrets she held,

The pain she felt,

Didn’t let the happiness dwell.