Cold hand and warm smiles


28th March, 2021

It was a chaotic Sunday afternoon, with the scorching heat burning my face, my black crop top and cardigan too, helped the sun with its play, I awaited the arrival of the one who was sailing away.

There he was, with his navy blue sweatshirt that had ‘hints of Black’ Matching mine, a white tee, that had blobs of sweat and Paco Rabanne smelling from a mile away, he swayed like the autumn winds, with his hands tucked inside his pockets and his eyes smiled from far away.

Can we go now? I said in my grim voice, I practised my blank look prior to the meet, for navy pants made me wait,

What, no hello or hi?
His soft brown eyes looked straight into mine,

A million moths revolted inside my empty stomach that time, with an eye roll I hushed him off.

——

Our coffee will be here in 2 mins, let’s sit,come on,

He pulled out a chair as we sat across that ambiguously loud cafe,

Bela ciao played in the background that time, as the main chorus echoed in the cold air, he removed his blue mask and warmly smiled at me, the smile wasn’t the same his adventurous social media posts portrayed, this one rather gave his cheeks a pinkish hue, the wrinkles around his eyes too popped up in play,
His skin looked more soft and supple than they did in those blurry video calls we had everyday, droplets of sweat aligned by his forehead, and his nose, he shyly hushed those off by constantly touching his face or grooming his hair. 

I wish I could carry a polaroid to click every-time Mr. Serious face came out of his comfort zone to live life in a casual way. 

Did I mention his ‘fan’ following?

More than a few pretty chicas  had their eyes trailed off in his way,  their stare  hooked onto to his face, or his mouth or the way he talked with ease and kept smiling away. Yet naive eyes were glued in my way, like a kid gaurding his favorite thing.


The Meet was one of a kind, one I have never had anyone at all, I know his sceptical detective mind wouldn’t accept things at face value ever, for his curious eyes often look out for the things unsaid,  the eye rolls I often gave, the way I smiled or smirked or even had a serious face, he loves to know more about what’s beneath the facade. 

I had more smiles to crease, especially the time we walked down the stair of the ancient cafe hallway, I missed a step for I was busy searching for the cat I met in way, he quickly clasped my hand with his cold ones,

Are you alright?

His eyes looked into  mine, another set of fireflies flew inside my gut that time

I smiled beneath my mask and nodded my head.

This first meet, with ‘cold coffee that tasted like liquid vanilla ice cream, the carrot juice that was fresh and sweet like his forehead kiss he showered me with when we parted our ways, the chocolate cupcake, which we shared, or which I rather ordered him to eat halfway, the cigarette puff which he hesitantly passed my way, or the way my overthinking mind was at ease the entire time, was beyond perfect, something I would love to have everyday. 

Seems like 520 already.

I miss you

I miss the sudden cheek kisses you kept showering me with,

I miss the way your cold hands found home in mine,

And the way you swayed our hands and marched all the time.

I miss the way you hid your smile beneath that maroon mask

Or the way your eyes just never left mine.

Every time we meet,

There’s always this calm and peace inside me

Which doesn’t or hasnt ever happened ever in life.

Im still trying to find the right words to put the things i had planned to tell you

About the way you make me feel at ease

Or the way you understand my unsaid words too quicky all the time

Alas all i do is stare at you

Wish to see a bit more of those childlike eyes,

Your smile, like the crescent of the moon,

Radiates amongst my gloomy skies.

—T2 meet—-

“Cheers then?”

He sat infront of me, with his blackcurrent milkshake in one hand,

His fuller cheeks were as pink as those strawberries he has promised we’d try,

“Cheers to new beginnings?”

I Iooked at the smile he tried to hide behind the cup,

While his gaze still stuck on my eyes.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

I rested my palm upon my face, unable to speak, for my heart thumbed too loud,

“You look too cute today

And see, we color coordinated again this time!”

The thrill in his sweet voice made me smile,

he suddenly leaned a bit too close to me,

his once crossed legs suddenly engulfed my wobbly ones,

A leg hug it was indeed.

How i wish the time would stop, maybe rest on those wooden chairs and cheap milkshake piles

Or stop beneath the shade of the peculiar tree that swayed in May heat,

Yet his arms kept a cozy hold of me all the time,

I wish,

Maybe a little more of those smiles to crease

A little too many pecks on cheeks

Or the *mistaken dandruff* forehead kisses at times.

——-

I miss you, even though you’re far away you say

You’re still very much the first thing on my mind,

And present with me among the cold coffees i have,

when i gaze up at the naked stars and listen to kitne haseen zindagi hai yeh

Or the time i smoke your favourite cigarettes for it brings a bit closer to thee

You’re worth it all.

That’s all i have to say to you for this time.

– To the muse of mine :’)

Poem 56#

There’a broken tap in the kitchen sink,
It keeps shredding pellets of water at night,
Many tried to fix it,
To repair the seal.
Yet it remains broken.

But doesn’t leak during morning hours,
For mum ties it with a muslin cloth.

“See now? There’s always a way to fix broken things,” Maa proudly says,

“I wish temporary solutions would work that way,”
I continue with the dishes for the day
With the soggy old sponge, I start cleaning the dishes,
It has holes now, blobs of black dots surround its core,
Yet it scrubs away the dirt and cleans the vessels perfectly fine.

Maa’s favourite steel kadhai is blackened due to overuse,
It takes me more than a couple of mins to scrub a small patch of dot,

“Ugh this won’t go away, Maa!!”

“Oh it’s an old stain, it won’t leave this quick,”
maa reckons to me,

“Then what do I do?”

“Find a way to clean the black stain, Shibu.”

“But it’ll take a lot more time, too much work.”
I sigh,

“Then what do you wish to do?
Let the stain get darker and even more difficult to get off?”

Maybe she was right,
Maybe old stains never leave their shore easily after all.
Keep getting darker by day,
And harder to forget or erase.

-Shivani Dubey.

Random thought (3)

We’re all bold,

We’re all shy,

We’re all dull and boring

We are dynamic at times,

We’re all happy,

We’re all sad people living a colossal lie

It depends on the day, that moment “that time”

For sane individuals to ruin their perfect lives.

Lust and love ( edited version)

**Lusty lies, beautiful smiles**

You’d find an abode in those tempestuous eyes,
those oh so perfect smiles, everything they do just seems so vague yet perfectly fine,

Some call it that wish for which they often prayed,
Oh! Look my wish was granted away.
I found the one, my happy place.

But for some pessimists like me,
Lust works like the poison that freezes the tarantula away,
Have you heard about that naive wasp that preys on those gloomy tarantulas by the bay?
This gloomy spider means it no harm, it runs away from the shadow of wasp,
But the wasp has her eyes fixed on its prey,
Her poisonous sting, paralyzes the spider away,
It cant think, nor move, it’s the wasp’s personal play.

Lust works on similar ways,
You’re paralyzed by their beauty and their face,
By their expressive eyes, their notorious self,
They are so brilliant in everything they do,
How could a person relaxing in his pajamas and unmade hair look so cute?

Being with them would make you forget everything else in life,
You’d read articles related to them talk to your friends and ask them for their views,
Take his side and convince your friends too,
You’d slowly start adapting his ways, so quick,
You’d expect the same energy from him too.

Every time you’d meet him,you would observe him a bit more closely,
The way he talks so calmly, the way he folds his arms together and gently frowns, the way he runs his fingers alongside his hair,
The way his hazel eyes shine with glee,
His peculiar beard trimmed in 90’s style.

His presence would make your day,
you’d ache to be in his arms
and wish to kiss him once again, you’d plan your next meet,
the things you’d say,
the dress you’d wear, the way you’d make your hair,
his favourite color would be yours too,everything should be perfect, for our adonis is just that way.

You’d fnd different ways to text him
(or accidentally text him? :p)
send him memes, flood him with questions new,
would expect his attention right away,
what if he forgets to text you day? Was he busy? Is he seeing someone new?
Let’s watch his story on Instagram or maybe snapchat today??

Random rant for the day.

Moving on is very ambiguous, it’s more complicated than falling in love itself Moving on/ way from infatuation/ lust relationship,is like carrying a sack full of sponge,it is supposed to be light you know? But the unforeseen rains just make it too heavy and now you just wander around with that load, everyday.

It is at times,that road you knew would lead you to your destination, but the various bumps and the uncertain track, makes you confused, you don’t know where you stand. Have you almost reached? Or have you not even crossed any checkpoint yet? Are you finally there? Can you celebrate your victory away? You’re quite unsure.

*****

I have tried all the things the Psychology today article said, at times referred to the book by various authors, or read those articles online.

They suggested a variety of things, from giving them a weird nickname, to making fun or laughing at their flaws (this was too extreme and fucked up I’d say) or talking it out to them sharing what you really felt, but in my case, it ended up with another series of texting battles, but the other side was too polite I couldn’t understand if that’s how things ended in normal way.

But the widely acceptable way I was told was, Giving it time, for it heals everything, I wonder if it truly does?

Or do you hide these feelings in a bottle full of sorrow and throw them in a sea of melancholy and pain? Where they lie afloat, dont sink nor drown, just flow away to a land unknown.

Or maybe it is that room filled with the person you once loved, or thought you did, the ones who lied, at times betrayed, at times met you by destiny or fate, but alas time, oh time,has it’s own way to take them away, they lie behind that door, of rusty lies and broken promises,you lock them away and never look back, for the keys, you’ve lost and now, you just wait.

Maybe time just teaches you, patience? And the other things, you learn them away

*****

It also means, there are days you are absolutely composed, so busy in your daily routine you forget about their existence, forget everything they ever said, it’s as though life was getting normal per se.

Then the very next moment, something ultra random and trivial reminds you of them. That peculiar cologne smell, someone walking in similar way as them, with ear phones tucked in their ears, they are rejoicing in their own world, their own place,or that unusual fragrance of that incense that made you feel jittery every time you met, the song they recommend being played in the background or in the place away.

Just one tiny thing and there you are the naive moth, once again, drawn to those wild flames, you get lost in the moment, remembering their smile, their eyes, their words, you missed them again.

Just godddamm why?

The paradoxical one.

She is unsure and uncertain in life, she wants a few things, yet doesnt want them too. She would initiate the conversation then feel it losing it’s sight and in time with her lack of effort, it’ll die.

For she knows they’d have many others whom they would talk to, she’d assume small things and get nervous all the time, “why did you type the Okay ♥️ as ok, / okay / k/ this time?”The others she wonders about the tone of their text and replies, “were they in a hurry or did they wish to talk to me after a while?”

“Why didn’t they use their regular emoji, or are they done with her hopeless plight?”

She deletes messages quite often too,for her anxiety tells her it sounds too rude or maybe not right, what if they feel bad? What if they read in between the lines? They cant see her vulnerable side.

Sudden calls from strangers scare her to death,do they expect a specific reply? Is hmm and haan and okay and yeah, fine? What if they feel she is not contributing to the conversation at all,her heart comes to her mouth, she feels like 1 year old, she babbles or mumbles or at times is inaudiblely loud.

At times,she is sure of her mind, sure of the things she has to say and feels about the people around, yes doubts and fear cross her mind, but her heart comes to resuce those times.

The others, her heart plays tricks on her mind, for it doesn’t understand the difference between infatuation or lust, confuses it with love and keeps her awake all night.

Yes she overthinks, she has scales of measurement for this overthinking too, a bit done every now and then seems fine, she takes overthinking breaks in between her day, thinks about the topic from all the sides and even tho the stimulus is out of her sight it still revolves in her mind.

Is it yes or was it no?”

She dislikes the term in between and people giving her ambiguous hues. She likes weird and confusing things for sure,

The puzzle the daily crossword, the sudoku hurl, the Rubik’s cube, confusing it may be for others but she’d try all the combinations and solve it overnight, and if not, then mess up the code and add more sequences to her plight.

At times she is nervous and shy,like the naive Caterpillar that transforms into a beautiful butterfly, she is oh so cautious and alert of her moves, never to harm a soul and usually complies.

The others she is bold and scary they say, like the moth, that’s as dark as the ruinous sky, you’d shoo her off, so that she doesn’t ruin your cashmere shawl overnight,

She’s reckless and wild, is attracted to dangerous people who often hurt her or leave her in the absence of light, is attracted to the feral fire that could burn her core, yet she wishes to go near it, to warm her numb soul.

…..

Life for her is a puzzle,

one cannot fathom right away

It is never truly black nor white,

At times it’s blue and purple, red and grey,

So arrange every piece that comes your way,

And that’s how she lives her life, everyday.