I’m fine.



I wish I could stop using this sentence at times, but ever since I was a child, maa always told me everything is fine, it’s all in your head,my little dandelion.

She told me that as a woman I must learn to accept some hardships in life,that crying over things isn’t the solution to life.

“Then when does one cry, maa?”

People cry when someone dies, shibu” Not when they’re alive and happy”

I wonder if I am truly alive?

My heart doesn’t really beat,
it functions like my neighbor ‘s old Ben clock,
Only at night does it realise that its alive
It echoes a silent tap, those muffled voices in the background snicker and laugh,
I hear a whimper, too soft for anyone to notice around,
But it ticks too loud, but oh the silence of the night takes the credit away.


***
Go for a run or a walk, Dad orders me,
I find myself wearing those worn out converse of mine,
Where my laces have knots and are too loosely tied,
I jog for a few minutes until those thoughts feel too much for me, the same disappointment,
The same numbness, the people in my life I could never please, I run, run the way I have always liked,
The one where people disappear and my heart beat comes alive,

After 3 rounds of running, I return back home,

“You look like hellboy” dad acknowledges my presence as he opens his new bottle of whiskey, tonight.
After two 60 ml shots,
He tells me that I act like an emotional fool at times,
that I must learn to be tough, be like a rock he says, it never cries.
I wish I could tell him that oh it breaks, shatters into pieces when it can’t cry.


……

I wish I were a child right now,
atleast writing “I am fine” hundred times would let my unconscious mind accept this plight,
Alas my heart would never accept that sight.

….

Why dont you share anything with me, I am right here, my friend texts me,
But what do I tell her when I myself dont understand it,
That there are times I just wish to be left alone,
All I want is the silence around me, not questions and remarks about how I am not doing well in life.
Rather all I end up texting them is, Oh it’s nothing, I’ll be just fine. :))

Infatuation?

When everytime you meet them,seems like new

Your heart goes crazy and skips, beats few.

You rehearse the words you’d tell them every night,

But as soon as you see them you become very quite.

When everytime you see them smile,

You feel very happy, you don’t know why.

And everytime they look into your eyes,

They see the real you,

Not the one hiding under disguise.

When they don’t need words to understand what you feel like,

Your ambiguous expressions give them hints all the time.

And then comes the time, when you both fight,

Wish to end things and leave each other’s side,

For you think these feelings are a lie.

Thus you decide to say goodbye,

The other accepts it, which makes you cry.

You feel empty and broken,

You can’t explain why.

Poem 29#

I wish,

I could walk towards the light,

And walk away from the plight.

Be normal just as everyone else,

Walk freely, without any worry,

And run swiftly in the path,right.

But at times like those,

I’m pulled back by the chain,

The more I try to get out of it,

The more rapidly, it wraps itself around me,

Until it is assured, that I won’t ever be free.

The heart and the brain.

One loves, the other pushes away.

One is care free, the other anxiously prays.

One knows the truth, the other loves to hide,

One cries, but the other smiles.

Both are scared, but dont show it all,

Wish to be understood but they never talk,

Wish to speak, but they always stall.

Poem 20#

Why would you like me anyways?

I’ve got needles in my mouth,

They harm and injure the heart.

And a desert exists within.

There is no calm or peace in here,

Only the storm, waiting to begin.

You think you can find peace in here,

But that’ll just be an illusion, a mirage that’s all.

For,

There aren’t any flowers that bloom around,

Just the prickly pear that surrounds.

A few came in to fill the hollow space,

With their gentle words and caring face.

But the sweltering sand, they couldn’t withstand

And the frigid winds, it shattered their stand.

You shall be hurt, so run away,

Be far away from me and save your day.

Her honest appeal.

She quickly swallows whatever she sees

He visits her whenever he is lonely.

Like a mirror, silver and deemed

Reflects the truth, without any praise.

Serenely gulps his wrath, his pain

He dislikes her at times,

Appreciates her existence sometimes.

Even after these discrepancies

She remains faithful to him

Awaits his arrival at every end.

He comes and goes as he likes

For she’s important to him and doesn’t lie,

Accompanies him,

When everyone has left his side.

A girl with issues.

I was 2 when my neighbor burned my left hand,

It was a second degree burn, which left scars till date.

But she was careless and navie and accidentally drizzled some oil on my hand.

I was 4 when my dad first punched me in my face,

I ended up with broken teeth and a crooked nose.

But, he was angry and lost, depressed due to his boss.

When I was 6 and was learning to dance,

The teacher slapped me hard and pushed me away,

For my mother forgot to pay fees that day.

She slapped me once and twice, then locked in the dark till she no longer heard my cries.

I was 8 when the family doctor came for the regular examination that day

He examined my body whole,
First felt my breast then slid downshore.

Unzipped his pant then tore my leggings apart

He bit my lips then my breast, tied my feet, then raped me until he was out breath.

The doctor frequently visited our house, cured my grandfather’s illness and played with me.

Kissed me at times or just touched me, told me I was a good girl, he didn’t want to leave.

Then one day as I wanted to scream,he punched me in my gut

then caught my hair and banged it against the wall,

I saw black and then some stars, felt something wet flowing from above.

His nails then piecered my skin, my arms, he quickly cleaned himself and left me in the dark.

He told my parents I tried to stab the neighbor’s boy, provoked him and started the fight.

My father then grabbed a near by wooden stick by the hall, picked me up and questioned my thoughts.

Then slapped me hard for lying to him, attacked me with the stick for being a deviant kid.

At the age of 10, the girls in my school thought I was weird and shy,

So they befriended me, as they pushed me aside, tore my belt or uniform at times.

My mother thought I was the one picking up fights, scaring away innocent girls and making them fright.

So she stopped giving me lunch or dinner sometimes, tied my hand and feet and locked me inside.

She thought I’d gain some sense and learn to respect others, by night.

Dad and Mom didn’t talk to me or taunted me every time,

For,

They thought all of this would make things right.