Cold hand and warm smiles


28th March, 2021

It was a chaotic Sunday afternoon, with the scorching heat burning my face, my black crop top and cardigan too, helped the sun with its play, I awaited the arrival of the one who was sailing away.

There he was, with his navy blue sweatshirt that had ‘hints of Black’ Matching mine, a white tee, that had blobs of sweat and Paco Rabanne smelling from a mile away, he swayed like the autumn winds, with his hands tucked inside his pockets and his eyes smiled from far away.

Can we go now? I said in my grim voice, I practised my blank look prior to the meet, for navy pants made me wait,

What, no hello or hi?
His soft brown eyes looked straight into mine,

A million moths revolted inside my empty stomach that time, with an eye roll I hushed him off.

——

Our coffee will be here in 2 mins, let’s sit,come on,

He pulled out a chair as we sat across that ambiguously loud cafe,

Bela ciao played in the background that time, as the main chorus echoed in the cold air, he removed his blue mask and warmly smiled at me, the smile wasn’t the same his adventurous social media posts portrayed, this one rather gave his cheeks a pinkish hue, the wrinkles around his eyes too popped up in play,
His skin looked more soft and supple than they did in those blurry video calls we had everyday, droplets of sweat aligned by his forehead, and his nose, he shyly hushed those off by constantly touching his face or grooming his hair. 

I wish I could carry a polaroid to click every-time Mr. Serious face came out of his comfort zone to live life in a casual way. 

Did I mention his ‘fan’ following?

More than a few pretty chicas  had their eyes trailed off in his way,  their stare  hooked onto to his face, or his mouth or the way he talked with ease and kept smiling away. Yet naive eyes were glued in my way, like a kid gaurding his favorite thing.


The Meet was one of a kind, one I have never had anyone at all, I know his sceptical detective mind wouldn’t accept things at face value ever, for his curious eyes often look out for the things unsaid,  the eye rolls I often gave, the way I smiled or smirked or even had a serious face, he loves to know more about what’s beneath the facade. 

I had more smiles to crease, especially the time we walked down the stair of the ancient cafe hallway, I missed a step for I was busy searching for the cat I met in way, he quickly clasped my hand with his cold ones,

Are you alright?

His eyes looked into  mine, another set of fireflies flew inside my gut that time

I smiled beneath my mask and nodded my head.

This first meet, with ‘cold coffee that tasted like liquid vanilla ice cream, the carrot juice that was fresh and sweet like his forehead kiss he showered me with when we parted our ways, the chocolate cupcake, which we shared, or which I rather ordered him to eat halfway, the cigarette puff which he hesitantly passed my way, or the way my overthinking mind was at ease the entire time, was beyond perfect, something I would love to have everyday. 

The Introverted Man (2)

He’s definitely one of his kind, he wears clothes like a 12 grade teen, with sweatshirt always on and dark colored pants, he hides his shy demeanor by tucking his hands in his side pockets and walks with ease.

His aviators are alwys there by his side, he wears them to hide away his rhuemy eyes, for he wishes to hide away. His light brown eyes would show you a variety of things, only if you closely pay attention to the words his eyes speak.

They’d at times twinkle too bright, like the stars he encounters by the sea, they lit up like his favourite star when he narrates his childhood play with his dad and sister practicing WWE with each other during his school days.

His eyes hide away the turmoil within him too, hide away the many sleepless nights he spent at the sea, or the times he lay awoke on the cold bed, homesick, wishing to be just a bit closer to his shore.

If you closely pay attention to his eyes, you can see patches of melancholy aligned too, of the days he cried when no one was around, the days he felt he wasnt the perfect child, or the days he prayed he could just leave. They are latched below his eyes, he names it *tiredness* for he couldn’t fall asleep since he was working and partying at nights.

Yet he’d never show an ounce of emotions from his end, for his bright smile would cover up these.

His smile, is as pleasant as the winds during June rains, the one that makes everyone around them so lively and chirpy. It’d remind you of the 11:11 wish you read online, he’s the kind of guy who’d make sure you’re always happy and all right.

He’d stare at you across the room full of people, he notice how the veins on your forehead look too bright in the afternoon sun, how you awkwardly tuck your hair when you feel anxious or shy. He’d also notice the way you truly smile, the way your eyes roll or the way you gently sigh, he’d look deep into your eyes when you’re looking away or when you’re trying to hide.

He’d need no words to understand how you feel, for his intuitive gut would work just fine. He’d know how to make you laugh or when to change the subject of your talk, when to get coffee or when to offer you a cigarette puff.

He’d also be there to hold your hand when you feel the stairway is too uncertain towards the end, he’d ask you if you’re all right and hold your hand too tight and smile. His rough hands would softly catch yours all the time, his fingers would draw circles around your wrists, to tell you he would never leave.He’d never back down from walking hand in hand by the street, his grip would be like the knots he learnt in sailing school, never lose, always firm and tight.

Lastly, he’d hug you too tight, the one that would make you forget about everything else around you, the one that would shatter all your previously held ambiguities, it’d feel as cozy as the your favorite blanket during wintery nights and would make you feel safe and make you smile.

Is it okay to be like this?

Do we fall in love with how the person actually is? Or the idea of them we have inside our brain,

We love to romanticize their dull eyes, their scam smiles and their honey dripped lies.

And oxytocin supports our beliefs overtime, the hugs feels heavenly, the kiss seems like a delight.

Their normal expressions seem so special, “the love drug” keeps playing tricks on our mind

Then we slowly start imagining scenarios in which they have married us and we are living a “happily ever after life”

But alas, infatuation or lust is temporary, most of the times,

You become obsessed with them, like an addict, you’re drawn to their presence and keep pestering them all the time,

Asking them about their whereabouts, feel insecure, jealous, feel that pit in the stomach when they dont give you importance,

You wish to keep them happy, no matter what, never wish to go against them, wish to be by their side, even though it hinders your self esteem all the time.

Until one day they tell you,

dont contact me ever again”

And you realise, that infatuation played you well

You’re heartbroken, you feel this is the end of life,

When in reality, it’s not.

For now is the time you shine,

You give yourself the love and importance you deserved all the time.❣

Lust and love ( edited version)

**Lusty lies, beautiful smiles**

You’d find an abode in those tempestuous eyes,
those oh so perfect smiles, everything they do just seems so vague yet perfectly fine,

Some call it that wish for which they often prayed,
Oh! Look my wish was granted away.
I found the one, my happy place.

But for some pessimists like me,
Lust works like the poison that freezes the tarantula away,
Have you heard about that naive wasp that preys on those gloomy tarantulas by the bay?
This gloomy spider means it no harm, it runs away from the shadow of wasp,
But the wasp has her eyes fixed on its prey,
Her poisonous sting, paralyzes the spider away,
It cant think, nor move, it’s the wasp’s personal play.

Lust works on similar ways,
You’re paralyzed by their beauty and their face,
By their expressive eyes, their notorious self,
They are so brilliant in everything they do,
How could a person relaxing in his pajamas and unmade hair look so cute?

Being with them would make you forget everything else in life,
You’d read articles related to them talk to your friends and ask them for their views,
Take his side and convince your friends too,
You’d slowly start adapting his ways, so quick,
You’d expect the same energy from him too.

Every time you’d meet him,you would observe him a bit more closely,
The way he talks so calmly, the way he folds his arms together and gently frowns, the way he runs his fingers alongside his hair,
The way his hazel eyes shine with glee,
His peculiar beard trimmed in 90’s style.

His presence would make your day,
you’d ache to be in his arms
and wish to kiss him once again, you’d plan your next meet,
the things you’d say,
the dress you’d wear, the way you’d make your hair,
his favourite color would be yours too,everything should be perfect, for our adonis is just that way.

You’d fnd different ways to text him
(or accidentally text him? :p)
send him memes, flood him with questions new,
would expect his attention right away,
what if he forgets to text you day? Was he busy? Is he seeing someone new?
Let’s watch his story on Instagram or maybe snapchat today??

Lust and love ( part 1)

Lust is like that warm orange singlet top that makes me feel great,

I wear it during times I feel bold or wish to have some fun at my own stake,

Its quite new, still has that ambiguous David off cool water smell,

But love is that rouge pink tshirt of mine, which makes me feel cozy and warm,

I wear it on stormy days and wintry nights, it has accompanied me since the past 3 years,

No matter much I wash it away, it still makes me feel safe.


I am no master in love, I’d say, havent experienced it at all,

But lust? The desireful eyes, those oh so perfect smiles, my poetries revolve around those tales.

Maybe lust is what we confuse for love nowadays,

Their glistening eyes seem lovely to you,you’d catch them checking you out, they smile off and find different ways to accidentally touch you,

They’d tease you and make you laugh, their jokes would be so funny you’d laugh your eyes out, you’ve never felt this happy ever in life,

The way the talk the way he folds his arms together and gently frowns, the way he runs his fingers alongside his hair would make the butterflies in your stomach reach ashore,

His presence would make your day, you’d ache to be in his arms and wish to kiss him once again, you’d plan your next meet, the things you’d say, the things he’d end up doing,oh, everything should be perfect that way, for our adonis is just that way.

You’d fnd different ways to text him, ( or accidentally text him or call him either ways) send him memes, flood him with questions new, would expectt his attention right away, what if he forgets to text you day? Was he busy? Is he seeing someone new today? Let’s stalk him on insta or maybe snapchat today??

And every time you’d meet them, you’d feel jittery, it would be the first time again, you’d feel jittery, you’d get dumbfounded, act nervously and fumble on your own words,

For hey, they seem so perfect( to you) dont they?

Could they be the one?

To the incomplete feelings of mine,

-August 2020.

To the girl whom he next meets,

He’s weird, impulsive, shy and quiet,
At times he’ll remind you of your strict pt sir,
Who’ll make you run an extra round for being late,
so that you get disciplined in life.
At times he’d be your English professor,
Who’s jolly and funny, will help you in your work, but takes life very seriously,
Who’s patient and oh very polite.

He replies back in minutes few,
His vocabulary is a mirror of his favourite shows,
That’s what she said, ‘noice’ and his pun jokes,
You’ll get so accustomed to them, don’t be surprised if you end up typing cool five times in a row.

He seems uninterested, I know,
for he never texts you first,
But start a discussion on any topic, new,
From soulmates, to love, marriage and divorce,
Law and crime, ask him his political views,
Or how the men in red won the Friday night live.

He will always share his opinions openly,
and those opposing views of yours,
he’ll respect those too.

Yes there are times, when his overthinking comes alive,
He’d question your motive behind these conversations,
His replies would then be prompt as his lawyer skills come to rescue,
It’d be impossible to win against him
And his childish hues,

Whatever, don’t blame me,

Oh I never fight, that’s you!

But don’t worry, he loves to crib like this all the time,
He’d pretend to be mean and rude, but then he cares,
Just doesn’t know how to handle his emotions, new.

But one thing he dislikes, more than momos and Janice,
Are confrontations and fights,
Don’t confront him with feelings, emotions or drama new,
He’d then run back to his humble cave
And you’d never hear from him, ever again.

For it’s over, right?

But don’t be surprised, if you find his snaps after a few days, he’d ask ambiguous questions too, to test you.
he’d ask you about his beard, his new hairstyle :

Does this seem fine?

Is stopping here the right choice?

Don’t worry, he likes to challenge the person,
To tease them, to give them a fair fight,
Just keep yourself strong, be patient with him

For he’d be the best thing that would ever happen to thee!

Yours truly,

The girl he never loved

Poem 53#

Does your heart ever beat aloud, when my name pops on your screen?

Does your face heat up, or do your lips start to smile?

Do you ever look up at the sky and gaze at the moon sometimes?

Remember our previous conversations and way you hugged me, tight?

Do my thoughts ever cross your mind,

Whenever you’re busy at work, trying to study, or sleep at night?

Do you even remember the words you said before you first kissed me,

Or way you smiled so bright?


I wouldn’t know, anymore.

But,

I do know you’re searching for a girl who’d fit into your world.

Who is different than the others, you’ve met,
Someone who adds value to your life, understands you.
Doesnt expect you to be perfect,
Rather, accepts your various hues.

Doesn’t give up on you, when you push her aside,
Who keeps texting you, even though you hardly reply,
Who is always loyal to you, honest and never lies.

You’re a man of few words,
You pretend to listen and hardly reply,
But expect others to listen to you,
but do you comply?

You welcome people, but never let them in,
You know their secrets, hardly share your worries, at times lie.
When confronted, you dive in your cave, you sigh.

You overthink, overanalyze, but keep mum, in your agony, you die.
But tell others that overthinking isn’t right

You have peculiar moods, one in which you wish to be left alone,
One in which you’re no longer the gloomy soul, you’re cheerful,
full of life,
Alas it doesn’t last that while,
And finally the one,in which, your mood, monosyllables provide.


But there’s this void, this tiny black hole,

That exists within you, in your heart,

That is masked by your smile,

One that I can see in your eyes.

What if it forever resides?