The Introverted Man (2)

He’s definitely one of his kind, he wears clothes like a 12 grade teen, with sweatshirt always on and dark colored pants, he hides his shy demeanor by tucking his hands in his side pockets and walks with ease.

His aviators are alwys there by his side, he wears them to hide away his rhuemy eyes, for he wishes to hide away. His light brown eyes would show you a variety of things, only if you closely pay attention to the words his eyes speak.

They’d at times twinkle too bright, like the stars he encounters by the sea, they lit up like his favourite star when he narrates his childhood play with his dad and sister practicing WWE with each other during his school days.

His eyes hide away the turmoil within him too, hide away the many sleepless nights he spent at the sea, or the times he lay awoke on the cold bed, homesick, wishing to be just a bit closer to his shore.

If you closely pay attention to his eyes, you can see patches of melancholy aligned too, of the days he cried when no one was around, the days he felt he wasnt the perfect child, or the days he prayed he could just leave. They are latched below his eyes, he names it *tiredness* for he couldn’t fall asleep since he was working and partying at nights.

Yet he’d never show an ounce of emotions from his end, for his bright smile would cover up these.

His smile, is as pleasant as the winds during June rains, the one that makes everyone around them so lively and chirpy. It’d remind you of the 11:11 wish you read online, he’s the kind of guy who’d make sure you’re always happy and all right.

He’d stare at you across the room full of people, he notice how the veins on your forehead look too bright in the afternoon sun, how you awkwardly tuck your hair when you feel anxious or shy. He’d also notice the way you truly smile, the way your eyes roll or the way you gently sigh, he’d look deep into your eyes when you’re looking away or when you’re trying to hide.

He’d need no words to understand how you feel, for his intuitive gut would work just fine. He’d know how to make you laugh or when to change the subject of your talk, when to get coffee or when to offer you a cigarette puff.

He’d also be there to hold your hand when you feel the stairway is too uncertain towards the end, he’d ask you if you’re all right and hold your hand too tight and smile. His rough hands would softly catch yours all the time, his fingers would draw circles around your wrists, to tell you he would never leave.He’d never back down from walking hand in hand by the street, his grip would be like the knots he learnt in sailing school, never lose, always firm and tight.

Lastly, he’d hug you too tight, the one that would make you forget about everything else around you, the one that would shatter all your previously held ambiguities, it’d feel as cozy as the your favorite blanket during wintery nights and would make you feel safe and make you smile.

Lust and love ( edited version)

**Lusty lies, beautiful smiles**

You’d find an abode in those tempestuous eyes,
those oh so perfect smiles, everything they do just seems so vague yet perfectly fine,

Some call it that wish for which they often prayed,
Oh! Look my wish was granted away.
I found the one, my happy place.

But for some pessimists like me,
Lust works like the poison that freezes the tarantula away,
Have you heard about that naive wasp that preys on those gloomy tarantulas by the bay?
This gloomy spider means it no harm, it runs away from the shadow of wasp,
But the wasp has her eyes fixed on its prey,
Her poisonous sting, paralyzes the spider away,
It cant think, nor move, it’s the wasp’s personal play.

Lust works on similar ways,
You’re paralyzed by their beauty and their face,
By their expressive eyes, their notorious self,
They are so brilliant in everything they do,
How could a person relaxing in his pajamas and unmade hair look so cute?

Being with them would make you forget everything else in life,
You’d read articles related to them talk to your friends and ask them for their views,
Take his side and convince your friends too,
You’d slowly start adapting his ways, so quick,
You’d expect the same energy from him too.

Every time you’d meet him,you would observe him a bit more closely,
The way he talks so calmly, the way he folds his arms together and gently frowns, the way he runs his fingers alongside his hair,
The way his hazel eyes shine with glee,
His peculiar beard trimmed in 90’s style.

His presence would make your day,
you’d ache to be in his arms
and wish to kiss him once again, you’d plan your next meet,
the things you’d say,
the dress you’d wear, the way you’d make your hair,
his favourite color would be yours too,everything should be perfect, for our adonis is just that way.

You’d fnd different ways to text him
(or accidentally text him? :p)
send him memes, flood him with questions new,
would expect his attention right away,
what if he forgets to text you day? Was he busy? Is he seeing someone new?
Let’s watch his story on Instagram or maybe snapchat today??

Lust and love ( part 1)

Lust is like that warm orange singlet top that makes me feel great,

I wear it during times I feel bold or wish to have some fun at my own stake,

Its quite new, still has that ambiguous David off cool water smell,

But love is that rouge pink tshirt of mine, which makes me feel cozy and warm,

I wear it on stormy days and wintry nights, it has accompanied me since the past 3 years,

No matter much I wash it away, it still makes me feel safe.


I am no master in love, I’d say, havent experienced it at all,

But lust? The desireful eyes, those oh so perfect smiles, my poetries revolve around those tales.

Maybe lust is what we confuse for love nowadays,

Their glistening eyes seem lovely to you,you’d catch them checking you out, they smile off and find different ways to accidentally touch you,

They’d tease you and make you laugh, their jokes would be so funny you’d laugh your eyes out, you’ve never felt this happy ever in life,

The way the talk the way he folds his arms together and gently frowns, the way he runs his fingers alongside his hair would make the butterflies in your stomach reach ashore,

His presence would make your day, you’d ache to be in his arms and wish to kiss him once again, you’d plan your next meet, the things you’d say, the things he’d end up doing,oh, everything should be perfect that way, for our adonis is just that way.

You’d fnd different ways to text him, ( or accidentally text him or call him either ways) send him memes, flood him with questions new, would expectt his attention right away, what if he forgets to text you day? Was he busy? Is he seeing someone new today? Let’s stalk him on insta or maybe snapchat today??

And every time you’d meet them, you’d feel jittery, it would be the first time again, you’d feel jittery, you’d get dumbfounded, act nervously and fumble on your own words,

For hey, they seem so perfect( to you) dont they?

Could they be the one?

To the incomplete feelings of mine,

-August 2020.

Poem 54#

Why do we scream in silence

But stay mum during turbulent days,

Smile during thunders,

But cry alongside those rains,

Why do we lock everything up in our concrete jail,

But wish to be free from our own chains,

Why do we run away,

From our shadow and that blurry face

From those violent winds and those unsettled waves,

But in our gloomy world, we often stay?

I’m fine.



I wish I could stop using this sentence at times, but ever since I was a child, maa always told me everything is fine, it’s all in your head,my little dandelion.

She told me that as a woman I must learn to accept some hardships in life,that crying over things isn’t the solution to life.

“Then when does one cry, maa?”

People cry when someone dies, shibu” Not when they’re alive and happy”

I wonder if I am truly alive?

My heart doesn’t really beat,
it functions like my neighbor ‘s old Ben clock,
Only at night does it realise that its alive
It echoes a silent tap, those muffled voices in the background snicker and laugh,
I hear a whimper, too soft for anyone to notice around,
But it ticks too loud, but oh the silence of the night takes the credit away.


***
Go for a run or a walk, Dad orders me,
I find myself wearing those worn out converse of mine,
Where my laces have knots and are too loosely tied,
I jog for a few minutes until those thoughts feel too much for me, the same disappointment,
The same numbness, the people in my life I could never please, I run, run the way I have always liked,
The one where people disappear and my heart beat comes alive,

After 3 rounds of running, I return back home,

“You look like hellboy” dad acknowledges my presence as he opens his new bottle of whiskey, tonight.
After two 60 ml shots,
He tells me that I act like an emotional fool at times,
that I must learn to be tough, be like a rock he says, it never cries.
I wish I could tell him that oh it breaks, shatters into pieces when it can’t cry.


……

I wish I were a child right now,
atleast writing “I am fine” hundred times would let my unconscious mind accept this plight,
Alas my heart would never accept that sight.

….

Why dont you share anything with me, I am right here, my friend texts me,
But what do I tell her when I myself dont understand it,
That there are times I just wish to be left alone,
All I want is the silence around me, not questions and remarks about how I am not doing well in life.
Rather all I end up texting them is, Oh it’s nothing, I’ll be just fine. :))

Of open blue skies and bombay vada pavs.

Dadi wore saree her entire life,
Green, blue, yellow and red, were amongst some of her favourite shades
This was her favourite too.

She never liked disobedience from my side,
Her grim voice, usually woke me up for school,
“Shibu get up, don’t you wanna go to school, it’s already 9
Even tho, it was always six that time.

She was obsessed with red, shiny, golden things,
A married woman, must wear all the three reds!
Red bindi, bangles and her red kumkum, shinning from her hair!

“A girl is expected to do whatever the man says, shibu”
But why does he get to decide what I wanna do dadi?’

Her eyes would then pop out and stare at me in disbelief.

‘You have your father’s temper and his mouth too,
You blurt out things without thinking at all,
You’re like the pressure cooker, who’s whistle is lost.

‘Your grandfather’s sarcasm comes to you in phase’ she’d say
You’re like the green chilli in bhindi or palak,
That one blindly eats and then regrets, for it burns their tongue away!

Dadi and I often had many fights,
“Your husband would never like a girl, who’s this arrogant
And this rude, he’d leave you the second you meet!

I’d end up skipping dinner everytime we would fight,
But later she’d come with a plate of food:
”how would you fight me, if you don’t eat tonight?”
—–
Did you ever try to study?
I had once asked her,
She was peeling the peas off, meticulously she removed their skin,
Her button eyes, glared at me for sometime,
But she scoffed at my question and threw the skin away.

There were days, she loved me too,
When I’d help her in household chores,
Or take her up to our terrace for a short walk.

Do you know where the clouds disappear?
Or how the birds just fly around, shibu?

I never quite had any answers for her naive questions,
But I often saw her smile widely
her cheeks, they shined
Every Time she saw the open blue sky.

She was a fan of Bombay vada pavs,
Sasural Genda phool and other bollywood songs.
She loved watching food video’s,
Namak samak chef, was her favourite too.

This one time, she caught the flu,
She didn’t agree to take medicines,
Just get 2 vadapavs, they must be frying them now! I can smell them from above
Tell him to add extra green chutney too!

She would then share half the vada pav with me,
“Why don’t you eat the entire thing”, I’d say as I would hogg on the half she’d give me.
“Why do you always share it with me?
I thought you hate me?”
Because the vada pav tastes better when I give you the other half, you silly girl!

—————————————————————————————————